I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
