Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
