She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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