hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
