can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
