They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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