The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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