I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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