when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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