i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
