dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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