I faked an abortion last night.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
