i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
