I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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