I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
