Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
