I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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