i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize