I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
