i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
