Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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