life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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