did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
