A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
