did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
