i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
