I can't breathe out the right side of my face
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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