so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize