So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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