I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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