booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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