He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
we're so committed to being not committed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
