Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
