When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize