can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
