I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
