I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
its liver damage thursday
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
