nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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