Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
