My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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