Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
