Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
