please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize