Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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