My room smells like vodka and shame
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
