I bet he comes in French.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
