who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
