i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just found out that she named her cat after me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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