All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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