Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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