you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
