Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
