My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
