I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
