Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
soo... how was my night?
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