Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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