Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
