Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
