I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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