If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize